“What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wellness
is a wonderful thing. A worthy thing, a thing that holds more worth than gold.
Wellness can be a quiet thing, it doesn’t have to be loud. Doesn’t have to run
marathons or climb mountains; wellness is an individual treasure, personal to
each of us.
I have
found myself saying, of late, in response to enquiries around my current state
of being that I’m ‘working hard to stay well’. In fact I’ve said it so
frequently that it has become a bit of a stock response, but this morning when
I uttered the phrase for the umpteenth time it really stuck in my head. I
decided to go out for a run to enjoy a glorious and surprising burst of
sunshine and there was the phrase, rolling around my brain, repeating and
repeating in time with my pounding feet. “Right” I thought to myself “what does
this mean to me? Why am I saying that so much?” So I started to unpick it.
When one
is unwell, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually or mentally, wellness
can seem like an unreachable goal. The very notion takes on all the qualities
of a mystical land, far away across insurmountable miles, treacherous to find,
too great a distance to traverse and of course, for some, simply impossible to
reach. The yearning for wellness can twist ones heart towards bitterness and
resentment. The thought of the sheer measure of the journey from how you feel
now to how you want to feel, can leave you hanging your coat back on the peg,
shoulders slumped, giving up before taking a single step.
Yet, if
you dare to take a step. Just a step. One. If you’re brave and chuck your coat
on, take a deep breath and open the door… there’s a glorious, messy, arduous
and worthwhile path there waiting for you, to take you from how you’re feeling
now to something better.
Here’s a
quote from my journal – 3rd of October 2017
“You know sometimes
the penny just drops and something, that previously carried no tangible meaning for you in any real or graspable way, suddenly
becomes so clear it’s as though you could hear it happening. Penny goes *drop*.
It felt like a physical reaction in my brain. Like a tiny eureka! moment that
makes you feel like you can now comprehend completely a concept that had never
before truly taken root. “A journey of a
thousand miles starts with a single step” Penny
goes *drop* and I realised…Oh, so all you
have to do is just keeping taking one step. Then one more step. Then step
again. Step. Step. Step. Just a step. They needn’t be big lunging strides, they
may be the slightest of shy forward shuffles. But each step counts. It means
something. It’s progress. You just keep stepping. Recognise each minute distance gained and whisper a quiet
‘YES! That was a step!’ to yourself (or shout it loud and joyously if you
prefer). Be pleased as punch by every step you manage *drop*”
It took me an age to take my first step towards
wellness and the road was rough and hard. I remember seeing a graphic depicting
the course of healing during that time and snorting a sardonic “yep!”. It was,
and truly remains, a rollercoaster, a daily battle and a constant choice. Some
days go better than others.
Wellness
is defined as “the state of being in good health, especially as an actively
pursued goal.” And I think that’s the point I’m getting at. The choice of it. I
like saying ‘working hard to stay well’ because I’m so happy that I am currently
in a place where I feel able to do that very thing and not only do I feel able
to choose it, I feel triumphant at the sheer joy of the choice. Working towards
wellness, however successfully is a powerful act of love, of choosing yourself
and recognising your worth.
I relish saying the words because every word is
true. The work is hard, I am feeling the most well I have in years and I know I
chose to be here and here I am choosing to stay because I have enough love for
myself to keep trying even when I feel too weak or low, too mad or sad,
frustrated or sore. The acts do not have to be radical, they just have to be
something. Some days that means changing the bedding and brushing my teeth,
some day’s it means going for a run, doing some yoga, eating well. Some day’s
it is as simple as giving myself time to breathe, to sit and focus on my breath
and connect with my body and whisper a quiet ‘thank you’ to the vessel that
carries me. Over time I have begun to understand what striving to maintain a
sense of wellness means for me, you just having to start by trying and keeping
trying a little bit everyday.
Choosing
the path towards wellness has been about reconnecting with my body as a source
of power, of joy and not just of pain and torment. Remembering that I love to
dance until my hair is a wild mess, remembering that cycling along the river in
the sunshine makes me feel 8 years old and totally free, remembering that I
have so much to be grateful for within the flesh and bones that house me.
In the
words of the delectable poet Rupi Kaur “look down at your body and whisper there is no home like you”.
Work hard
to stay well, whatever that means for you, I promise it’s worth it.
Todays ramblings
were bought to you with the help of a steaming pot of sweet jasmine pearl tea
